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And now, a Public Service Announcement, from Heather Mills McCartney:
Yeah, like hey dudes. It's me, Lady Peg! You may know me from such public service announcements as "The AIDS Solution:
Bombing Africa" and "Handi-Capable: Support Quadroplegic Hookers". I'm happy to be back with another very important message
for y'all, so lizzen to thiz shit, cause this P.A. is off the hinges! For sheezy, bitches.
What I'd like to talk to you about today, is something called Traffic Safety Awareness. You may not know this, but like,
my leg is totally FAKE. You see, many years ago, I was crossing the street or whatever and this reckless dude came flying
down the road and chopped my leg off. I think it was the Texas Chainsaw dude...like Oh my G, did y'all see that movie? Totally
wicked scary. I nearly peed my pants (ew...sounds like something Paul would do). I didn't get a good look at the guy cause
he was driving really fast, when he ran over me. But my Pegtuition tells me this MUST have been either the Texas Chainsaw
dude, or like, the Mothman. Whatever. Anyways, I was immediately rushed to the hospital and the whole experience was just
gay squared. Trust me, you do NOT wanna have your leg chopped off - its not as funny as I always thought it was. When the
doctors told me I wouldn't have a leg anymore, I was SO pissed off. "That Mothman will PAY!!!" I vowed.
Eventually, I bought a plastic leg and now, I'm all back to normal and looking FINE as ever (bite me, bitches!). But
what was the cause of all this? Whose fault was it really? Well, not mine, of course. Looking both ways before you cross the
street is SO passe`. Who could be bothered? Clearly, it was the driver's fault and that's why traffic safety awareness is
important. Mothmen, boogeymen, hobbits, and Geoff Baker should all be put to justice for their reckless ways because they're
chopping off legs everyday. Now I know what you're thinking: how can I be a safe driver too? The answer isn't so simple.
That's why I, Lady Peg, have devised an easy list of guidelines to follow, when you're behind the wheel. The list goes as
follows:
1) When you're driving, like, stay on the road and junk. You're more likely to hit a tree or perhaps even a bear if you
wander outside of the road. This one time, I was all driving and whatever when out of nowhere, this dying deer was all
up in my grill. Needless to say...bitch went down. Of course, it was all funny at the time, until this forrest ranger came
and gave me a ticket for animal slaughter. Dude...gay.
2) Wait till you're IN your car to apply lipstick. Homies, I can't stress this enough - stop wasting valuable outside-the-car
time putting on makeup when you can totally just do it while you're driving. Come on people, don't be retarded.
3) Take full advantage of speeding ambulances and police chases to follow behind, and get great speed! Whenever
I'm in a hurry, I just follow a pig to my closest destination (this is particularly helpful within like, ghetto 'hoods).
4) The best way to keep a clear head while you're on the road is by talking on your cellphone. Utilize your time in the
car to call up old friends, family, rich dudes, and psychics. It'll help pass the time, and you may learn junk like where
you live and what time it is. Neato future stuff like that!
5) Let's face it: orange cones serve no purpose, other than to be droved over. So let's all stop avoiding them like their
God's gift to traffic saftey and just run them over, when they're blocking that fast lane or handicap parking spot. Fuck that.
6) The absolute WORST person you could run over is like, a kid, cause they're fuckers and they'll tattle! So if you happen
to knock one down a little, the best solution is running for it, before they can get your license number!! I say, aim for
the legs, so they'll be momentarily paralyzed.
7) Drinking and driving is gay, y'all. If you've gotta stay busy, smoke weed. I think I read it heightens your perception,
and makes you react quicker. Or heroin's fun, only jabbing yourself with needles can get pretty messy, so wait at least until
a yellow light.
8) Be VERY careful about engaging in a drag race with old people. For serious, those senior citizens can really roll,
and they're dangerous folks. I keep my drag races clean and safe, with da homies. They know how we do.
Ultimately, it's important that we all practice defensive driving, and by that, I mean, you gotta watch your back cause
the first time you run somebody over, it could mean a lifetime playing Big Bertha's bitch. Okay, EW. Traffic Saftey is for
real, dawgs. Coming Soon: I'm gonna tear dis bitch up with a song about T. to the S., foo's.
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