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Growing up in an all-boys boarding school, four young men seek out to learn...
THE FACTS OF LIFE
You take the good, you take the bad
you take them both and there you have
the facts of life
the facts of life
There's a time you've got to go
and show you're growing and now you know
the facts of life
the facts of life
When the world never seems
to be livin' up to your dreams
and suddenly you're finding out
the facts of life are all about you, you
It takes a lot to get 'em right
when you're learning the facts of life
learning the facts
of life,
learning the facts of life.
Starring:
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| Mr. Epstein, the dedicated and openly gay dean. |
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| Johnny, the vain and popular head cheerleader on the squad. |
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| Paul, the fat, bastardly kid who feeds on pie, in most of the episodes. |
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| George, the ghetto kid from the Bronx (Johnny's foil). |
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| And Tooty, the short, kooky bloke, running about on rollerskates all the time. |
What mischeif will these four lads get into today?
Episode #001.
George: Jooohhnny? Johnny! Open this door! I need to use da' toilet and you been in 'dare
all dis time. What the hell be takin' you so long?
Johnny: Go fuck yourself, George! I need
to brush my hair.
George: You been brushin' ya hair dis whole time? I'm gonna shove a pencil
up yo' ass. Don't make me cummin' 'dare.
Johnny: Excuse me, but I think my HAIR is a little
bit more important than YOUR bladder. Tomorrow, the squad and I have to invent a new cheer, and I want to look good for Billy.
George: Shit, I'm gonna call ol' Mr. Epstein on yo' ass, if you don't open dis door.
Paul: Enters [eating pie] What's up, gang?
George: Johnny's hogging da
bathroom again.
Paul: Johnny, get over yourself. There are other people living in this boardinghouse,
you know.
Johnny: Why don't you eat your goddamn pie, and shut your mouth, FATTY!
Paul: [hurt] I...I...eh...[continues eating pie].
George: Lissen' up be-yotch,
cuz I only gonna say dis once more. If you don't open dis door right now, I'm gonna bring my crew and 'day'll bust a CAP in
yo poms poms. So you betta' open up, NOW!!!
Paul: I think he means business.
Mr. Epstein: Enters. What's going on here? I could hear you boys all the way downstairs.
George: I wuz just cummin' to da point where I stick my foot up Johnny's azz, if you don't mind.
Mr. Epstein: Alright, why don't we all just sit down, relax, drink some fat-free soy-based latte`s, and discuss
this over rationally? What do you say, gang?
Paul: Does it have to be fat free?
George: Whatevah' dawg.
Mr. Epstein: Okay George...now why don't we hear you're side of the story. What seems to
be troubling you, sweetheart?
George: Look, it's like dis. Ever since Johnny been named leader of the cheerleading squad,
he be hoggin' up da mirror, and locking himself in da bathroom, brushin' his hair for hours. I ain't got dat kinda time, and
me and my home boys suppose to be buyin' some weed, over round the crackhouse.
Mr. Epstein:
Okaay...and how does John being possesive of the bathroom make you feel?
George: Like I wanna
take my shotgun and go shootin' every one of his orphaces until his raw intestines starts comin' out.
Mr.
Epstein: Hmmm, I see. I'm sensing...a lot of anger here, George.
George: Look Jiz, all I'm
sayin' is, if I don't take a piss in the next five seconds, I gonna SHOW you angry.
Paul: Would
some pie make you feel better?
Mr. Epstein: Stay out of this, Fatty. George, I think it would
be best if you were to tell John what you're feeling right now, and let him know that deep down, he's hurting you.
George: De' only thing dats hurtin' right now is my bladder.
Mr. Epstein: Then
tell him. Be truthful and honest with him. Tell Johnny boy that his vanity...is affecting your urinal health. All it takes
is some calm, and rational exchanging of words. That's all. And I'm sure we can patch things right up. Now, you march right
over to that bathroom door and say what you've got to say.
George: Okay, G.
George: [knocks on door]. Yo? Johnny?
Johnny: [Silence]
George: Look...I've thought this thing out and here's what I think.
Johnny: [Expectant
silence].
George: If you don't come out...
[Pause]
George:
I will kill you. I will rape your dead mother, and then, I will shoot you. I can make it look like an accidental suicide.
Watch me.
Tooty: Enters [on roller-skates]. Johnny, Johnny!! Billy, the captain of
the football team is here. He wants to seee yooou.
Johnny: [startled] Oh my G! Like, are you
for serious?
Tooty: Yeah, he's waiting for you, downstairs.
Johnny:
Fuck me Freddy! I look a mess! [rushes out of the bathroom] What do I do, what do I do? I totally was NOT expecting him to
come over! Oh my gosh, what am I going to wear?
Mr. Epstein: Now Johnny. You know the boarding
school policy. No boys allowed in the dorm after dark. Unless they're coming to my room. Tee hee.
Paul:
But...isn't this an all-boys board-
Mr. Epstein: Will you PLEASE shut up? Just eat your damn
pie, lard ass.
Paul: [sheepishly turns back to pie]
Tooty: But
Mr. Epstein! You just GOTTA let Billy stay. He's the CAPTAIN of the football team, the most popular boy in school.
George: [from the bathroom] I could kick his ass.
Johnny: No you couldn't, motherfucker!
Paul: What the hell, guys?
Mr. Epstein: WATCH YOUR FUCKING MOUTH, fat boy!!!
Tooty: Look. Why don't you let Johnny go downstairs and talk with Billy for just a little
while, totally supervised, and then, you can see to it, that he gets back to his campus safely? No harm done.
Mr. Epstein: Weelll...he IS pretty cute! Oh, okay. Just this once!
George: Exits
bathroom. Ahh, much bettah'. Okay dawgs, I gotta bust dis jizz. My bitches and I are going to buy drugs at the crackhouse,
and they be waitin' me up.
Mr. Epstein: Okay George, that sounds just fine. You and your bitches
have fun. Be sure to bundle up! It's awfully chilly out there.
Paul: Mr. Epstein...since John
is getting to visit with Billy after curfew, and George is going out to buy drugs, would it be okay if I went to the store
and picked up some snacks for the weekend?
Mr. Epstein: That's it, Fatty. You're suspended.
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